I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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