508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
