Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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