I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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