youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
