Acid is not a monday night drug
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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