just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
