I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
