Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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