Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
