my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
