I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
