Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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