I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
