There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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