Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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