Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
