Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
