he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
