im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
