Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
smell my finger.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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