I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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