Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
