I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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