I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
