I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
