what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
