Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
now i know why i became what i already was.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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