wat bout pragnant strippers??
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
