You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
