I must be too annoying 4 u.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
