onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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