there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
