My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
