You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
