That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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