I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
