I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
