The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
