why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
