Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
