Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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