He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
