you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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