It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
