Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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