hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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