the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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