i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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