I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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